


losing you before my eyes

by keeplovinanyway



Series: your mental health and the way it makes me feel [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 15:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9768845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keeplovinanyway/pseuds/keeplovinanyway
Summary: Phil has no idea what to do.He doesn't know Dan like this. He knows him sad, scared, frustrated. He knows him lost in his own mind, rambling about how there’s no point in anything. He knows him angry at himself and the world.Phil doesn't know Dan quiet. He doesn't know him this distant. He doesn't know the feeling of losing him right in front of his own eyes.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Silence](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9711338) by [TsingaDark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsingaDark/pseuds/TsingaDark). 



> This oneshot is about the same story as TsingaDark's "Silence". They wrote about Dan and depression and it touched me a lot. Being the partner of someone with depression, my mind instantly went to Phil's perspective - and so I decided to write that.  
> You don't have to read Silence to get this one, but it's phenomenal and I recommend it either way.

Phil has no idea what to do.

He doesn‘t know Dan like this. He knows him sad, scared, frustrated. He knows him lost in his own mind, rambling about how there’s no point in anything. He knows him angry at himself and the world.

Phil doesn‘t know Dan quiet. He doesn‘t know him this distant. He doesn‘t know the feeling of losing him right in front of his own eyes.

It‘s been slow at first. An itching inside his chest, a pressure where there wasn’t normally one. He’d found himself angry, even with enough food in his body. He’d found himself feeling guilty and ashamed and lost, not knowing why the tears kept prickling up behind his eyes.

Then he’d started missing Dan. It was late at night when he’d noticed. They hadn’t shared beds a lot together recently. They hadn’t talked a lot. Phil had always felt like he couldn’t bother Dan right now, like he needed to give him space. Dan’s answers had been short.

He’d been laying in his bed, alone again. The day had been normal and uneventful but now there was nothing with which he could distract himself from his thoughts anymore. He’d stared at the ceiling, at the shadows of the lamp and the rough lumps in the plaster. The quiet of the flat felt heavy, and with a start Phil realized he felt alone.

The day after, he focused his attention more on Dan. He noticed how he didn’t eat breakfast with him. How his smile was strained and his answers slow. He noticed how there wasn’t a single sound coming from Dan when he was in another room. No whistle, no grunt, no sigh, no hum – nothing.

He noticed the effort Dan made to make him believe he was okay.

He also noticed how much he wasn’t okay.

Phil thinks back to the end of last week. He thinks about him sitting on the sofa in the lounge next to Dan, looking at him, seeing Dan’s gaze unfocused on the video that was playing on his screen. He remembers making a joke, and seeing Dan being startled from whatever thought he was having, putting on a smile, seeing the traces of effort so clearly written in his features.

He’d gone to the bathroom after that and cried. It hurt. It hurts, to see Dan slipping into something so dark, to see his helplessness and feel himself being pushed away. He is angry somewhere deep inside but he doesn’t want to be angry at Dan and he doesn’t think he should be angry at himself either. He wants to cry, a lot, he wants to talk, to shake him awake from what’s clawing at him.

He knows it doesn’t work like that.

Phil has read up on it. _Signs of depression_ , he’d typed into google, sitting visible on a chair in the lounge. He’d almost hoped Dan would walk in on him. The thought that Dan didn’t walk much anywhere anymore tasted bitter on his tongue.

Recognizing Dan in what he read was not much of a surprise, but Phil doesn’t know if it feels more like a relief or a burden to know. It makes it more real, he does know that much. He doesn’t feel that crazy and alone anymore, not that lost.

But he also feels overwhelmed and scarily, scarily helpless.

Phil really doesn’t know what to do.

He wants to be there for Dan, but he doesn’t know how. If this were just an existential crisis, he’d know what to do. He’d know how to let Dan rant to him, how to listen attentively and nod and not argue at first. He’d make a hot chocolate or a tea eventually, still letting Dan talk. He’d know how to get him to start talking again if he became silent too. Phil knows when it’s time to bring in his own arguments and his optimism. He knows what to say and when and just how tight the hug should be. He knows Dan and his mind and his worries.

Phil guesses, this is somewhat similar. He thinks that Dan will still be lost in his own thoughts, but less responsive to the world outside somehow. He knows that coaxing it out of him doesn’t work this time, because he’s tried. He knows hot chocolates don’t work either. He also knows that Dan doesn’t know what he needs from Phil, or if he needs anything at all. He can feel the unsureness in the way Dan doesn’t push him actively away but keeps the distant anyway.

That’s what worries Phil the most. That he doesn’t know what’s really going on in Dan’s mind, that he sees that Dan is lost in himself too and has no idea how to handle this, and that he can’t figure out how to get close to him again.

The thoughts of what might happen if none of them can stop this downward spiral are something Phil tries very carefully to not think about.

Phil knows he can’t solve this. This is too big for either one of them and for them together too. It makes him feel scared and relieved at the same time. It makes him think that there might come change. It makes him worried that Dan won’t let that happen. He also worries that he has to do something and he won’t figure out what it is in time. (He doesn’t think about what it needs to be in time for.)

What Phil does know is that he misses Dan infinitely and that he loves him with his whole heart and that he wants to do something for him, now. So he will try this.

It’s silent in Dan’s room. The wood of the door beneath his forehead is cool, the book in his grip heavy. Phil straightens up, takes a deep breath, and knocks on the door. He’s not expecting a response, so he opens right after.

The room isn’t dark like he’d thought. Phil doesn’t know if that just means that Dan couldn’t bring up the strength to close the blinds, or if he maybe isn’t bothered by the light.

Dan is on his bed, slightly curled in on himself, with his back to the door. The figure of him is so familiar that Phil’s heart aches with how much he wants to touch.

Dan doesn’t look at him.

Phil carefully moves to sit down next to him, eyes trained on where his face begins.

Something seems to relax in Dan the moment he feels Phil on his back. The relief of seeing that he still can have an effect on Dan blooms warm through Phil’s chest. He doesn’t miss how Dan suddenly tenses up again either, hands clenching in a way he probably isn’t even aware of.

Phil let’s his instincts take over. This is him and Dan after all. He knows Dan. He got this.

His hand finds Dan’s hair, the strands still soft somehow. “It’s okay, just relax,” he says. He desperately, desperately wants Dan to take this.

With a sudden motion that Phil didn’t expect Dan turns over, holding on to him, squishing his face against his thigh. His heart grows big, so big, so full. He closes his eyes for a moment and swallows down against the heaviness in his throat. Dan’s breathing and it warms the fabric on his leg. It reminds him of how real Dan still is, that he is in fact still there, that they’re in fact still right here beside each other.

This little moment won’t make Dan be magically okay, and he knows it. This will be a lot of work for both of them. More Dan, yes, granted. They’re both in this though. And this feels like a start, or a break, or just something very good after weeks of going down somewhere.

Dan stays there against Phil for an hour, comfort exchanged in soft finger movements and breathing and petting, nothing else. The air’s old and musky but it sits fresher in Phil’s chest than it has for weeks. Soft rustling of blankets and the flipping of pages fills the room, the setting sun painting warmth over Dan’s features. It feels protective and accomplishing and good, just, good, to be there. 

They’ve taken on a lot together. They will survive this too.

**Author's Note:**

> Every time I write about the perspective of a healthy partner of someone with mental health problems, I am very nervous. So here's a few things:  
> \- If you have depression, don't blame yourself for causing your partner to feel like what I described Phil to feel like in this. Nobody's at fault for feeling what they do, feelings just happen. Being in a relationship is always a decision, so when both of you still decide to be together, then it's obviously worth it. And we all know there's many happy moments too - don't feel like you're only a burden.  
> \- I am aware the pain a healthy partner's feeling is probably way less intense than what someone with an actual mental illness feels. Sometimes _I_ feel guilty for displaying my hurt when yours is surely worse. But I also believe that feelings shouldn't be compared, because they're valid either way. I want everyone to know that I am aware of how there's a difference though.  
>  \- Your feelings matter, you deserve respect and care, no matter who and where you are and what your situation is. 
> 
> Hope I didn't upset anyone with this, it's very close to my heart. Thank you for reading!


End file.
